Thanksgiving Day

I hate it that I still have tears to cry. I'm afraid I don't know when they will be dry.  I miss the things I took for granted, and now they are never more. How do you get that back?  You can't!  You just have to move on.  I was told that once...or maybe I heard it somewhere but...What do you leave behind when you die? Good question.

Those who die never know the real answer. For those of us left behind, there are memories. Good and bad, sad days and days when thoughts leave us glad. I'm not there yet.  I morn the loss of you. I still haven't gotten over Mom and Dad and you had to go and join the list. 

I didn't tell you I loved you enough. I always thought you would be here, just a phone call away. And now you're gone.  I'm mad at your for making me the officail eldest.  I miss your "free till your fool" nature.  I pray you didn't feel pain.  When will my eyes be dry?  I read a book  that said a real heart could not really be broken.  But my tough act is up, my heart is broken. I'm no better than a sad love song.

Wind

No  one knows why the wind blow. Or "which" when the time come. Soul will stay or soul will go.

And although the departure will surely make your heart break. Find comfort in knowing.

GOD makes no mistakes...

Your Too Much

If a man/wo-man tells you, your too much.  The maybe you are!  You have been through too much in life to be reduced to just a resting stop on their path to "Somewhere else Land"

Your too much to allow a history of hurt and lessons learned to repeat themselves for someone else's selfish needs.

Your too much to allow RESPECT to be  minor factor in a major relationship.

Your too much to allow any shallow wind to blow down the strong walls you have built from overcoming being: not enough, just short, and almost.

Your to much not to require that you be a priority in that someone special eyes.

Well be "TOO MUCH" because being less would be a tragedy.

If your "TOO MUCH" maybe, just maybe THEY aren't enough to handle this much. And that is their problem.

And in that case like I always say "TOO MUCH" is more than good enough and that is always a good thing in my book. So go ahead and label me as "Too Much" at least we will both be on the same sheet of music.

Wish me Luck...Until the next line....

This is Grown People Stuff

"It always starts innocently enough, and before you can catch your breath...you done fell into Grown People Stuff"

This is Grown People Stuff.

Contrary to popular beliefs it takes more than fancy equipment to work with grown people stuff. You may consider yourself as Mr. Baisden  said a Maintenance Man putting I work. But if that is all you bringing to the table then that ain't gonna cut it when getting into grown people stuff.

You can't just be a "quick fit-it man", you got to be something like an "I own it man", with grown people stuff.  You have to be a Jack of all trades, and a Master of many. Alaskan pipe layer, Texas oil driller, Atlanta peach picker, Candy Land candy licker. Like Thor you have to handle your hammer on some kind of other world level tip to get with this Grown People Stuff.

Me looking at you, looking at me, looking at you, flirtation leading to conversations, leading to sarcasm, followed by tonguegasums, and it all started innocently enough and before you caught your breath. You got caught up into this Grown People Stuff.


Sometimes when I have nothing to do I try my hand at writing poetry. It kind of sucks but I like the process. So.......

Wish me luck until the next line....

Looking Back

I was thinking about old songs my Mom use to play when I was a kid and how I have lived my life like and old blues song.

Looking back over the time I must have lost my mind. If I could I swear sometimes, I wish I could just hit rewind.

Some of the stuff I think I did was just way too soon. Trying to do what everybody else said was right, instead of what my heart told me was right.  My first mind, instinct, common sense, my inner me, you know listening to all them people sitting on the sidelines of my life chanting "Girl do the right thing". If I had listened to me, while I was the one trying to find my own happy, I would have jumped a fence instead of jumping a broom. But I moved too soon.

Chasing cotton candy stories and childhood fairy tales wishes, shoot being a kid was easy. One blink of an eye and just like my mama us to say it was over, I had gone and grown up. Now there were no more cotton candy and fairy tails dreams, there were checks and balances, schedules, and appointments. Ain't no more tooth fairies leaving money underneath my pillow.  These feet got to keep moving to keep the lights on. It ain't easy being grown, and now I got little mouths to feed of my own.

Looking back over the times I didn't lose my mind. I still wish I could hit rewind. Just so I could really listen and learn my life lessons this time.

But I can't so wish me luck, until the next line.....

A caged Lion

A caged lion is still a lion, you can't turn it into a house cat. You can play with it like it's a house cat, treat it like it's a house cat but it's true nature will already be that of a lion.

The mistake we make is thinking that nurture will change nature. In some cases with much effort maybe, but not in the case of a lion.

The lion can be your pride, your confidence, your true self, who you see when you look in your eyes in the mirror when the world is not peeping in.

Own your lion, embrace the caged lion in you. A caged lion can't rule and a lion or lioness is the king or queen of the jungle.
Don't you want to rule you personal jungle? Unleash the lion.

Wish me luck...until next line...

The Problem with being On the Top

The problem with being on top is that you have to step on a few people to get there. I am not totally sold on the ideal that when someone tells me that they are truly happy for my success that there is not a little envy in them. Because even when I am happy for you, there is a little green eyed monster in my belly that I try to destroy but no matter how hard I try it is like roaches it won't die. I have envy.

I am so very tired of people smiling in my face and when I say MYI mean any old MY that applies! Face saying how happy they are and then in the next breath talking smack about how they can do better or how they would do something different. Well here is a novel ideal...get off your arse where your great plans come from and do something, instead of just polluting the air by just saying a lot of nothing.  I can not count the amount of times I have sat in a random waiting room and wished that some random stranger throat would get so dry that dust would shoot out of if so they would SHUT THE HECK UP.  What has brought on this rant is the current chat about the President. I am so sick and tired of these people of these UN-united states talking about there/our President.  Only in this America can the people talk this much ISH against the leader that THEY the same people voted into that office. Let THEM try that in Cuba, it would be a sad, sad day for these UN loyal Americans. Only in these Americas can and impeached ex-president get more respect than the reigning President. I would shake my head but this it just these American way. I am proud to be an American but ashamed of the way we misbehave in front of company.

I don't stand here claiming to understand politics... that's why I shop and not run for office. However, comma, I vote because in these Americas it is my right and I get it RIGHT. All over the world when there is some other country that is having a civil war they ALL call on these united states to come and help. In my history books I don't recall any foreigner countries sending help in our civil war so riddle me that. Also in all united nations effort, why is it that these United States always send the most troops? Why are we always the most united in the nations, why are we always the ones called out? Why are there not children on the news telling the President or Lords of Other Nations that if they don't send help when they grow up they will tell the world that the Lords, Prim Ministers, Queens, Head How's, didn't help then.

The Problem with being on top is that you can not make everybody happy. At best you might make one person a day happy, and if that person is yourself they you are winning the game. If you are not that person you got to go back to the drawing board and try again tomorrow.  You have to crack a few eggs to make a cake, squeeze a few lemons to make lemonade, know when to hold em know when to fold em, know when to walk away know when to run. In the end you will be on top with a good strategy a piece of cake and a tall glass of lemonade, and you will be a winner. It is not easy being on top but the view is lovely.

This is much ado about nothing. I think I will go to bed now and start all over tomorrow.

Wish me luck

Dear Mr Good Sport

I have a question, who coined the phrase, " it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game".  Yeah right, who said that "ish", I'll tell you who... A big LOSER with a good attitude.

It matters. If you win or lose...Who likes to play well, and lose? I'll tell you a  LOSER with a good attitude.

If I play hard and well, I want to win. In the process of winning if some un-sportsmen like conduct happens that's chalked up to the game.

So you stupid "see the change in people, people" stop coining dumb ass phrases, cause at the end of the day it really matters, damn it, it matters. So stop telling bad lies. LOSER

If you have to lie make it a good one, like.....there is a lesson in every loss, and we will learn it well. Which in reality isn't a lie at all.

 I could go on with this all night but it's late and I need my coffee like a fat kid needs cake. I'm tired. I would rather you hurt my feeling with the truth than to set me up with a mouth full of dusty lies. If I put in the effort to play hard you better believe that the only outcome I want is to win or almost die trying because failure is not an option in my reality. So Dear Mr. Good Sport if you were looking for less you  barked up the wrong tree. And now you know..

Wish me Luck..

What's In a Name?

Some day's I want to change my name. I want to just recreate myself, become someone new, something different, something else, just something..... Then I realize that I really really like me and I wouldn't want to actually change all of me just some of those little things about me that makes me talk to myself in the car as I drive away. (lol)

I would change my name to Sayne and this would be my introduction to the world. Hey I'm Sayne , I read a lot of books and always want to write one but I have major commitment issues, and writing a book is a big ole "c" word for me. Any way it all started on my last birthday I decided I wanted to make this year like Oprah always say "the best year ever", so I made a list of all the things I would do before the next birthday something like a 40 before 40 list. It dosen't even matter if I'm already pass 40 its my world and my list don't judge me. It's my secret to keep or tell.  So on with it.

That's it for today, I think I have something else but it will have to come later....

wish me luck. 

Pancakes and Personality

Personalities are kind of like pancakes. On one side when you are all done and toasty you have to be flipped so that the other side can get cooked too. I don't know what my obsession with pancakes is this week but I have been comparing everything to pancakes. it's not like I have a taste for them actually I have a sweet tooth for chocolate.

I need to flip myself over to cook up how I am going to get over trespassing  and forgiving those who trespassing against me. I am so not there yet. I guess that would make me human...

wish me luck

Humility

Where do we learn to be humble?  Is it something taught or a seed planted at birth that matures or fails to mature as we grow? 

I want to be humble enough to know that when I'm wrong, I can except that and apologize and move on. However comma,I find that humility is a bitter pill.while I'm being humble someone else may see it as being weak. Who wants to be weak? Not me. So humble pie...not "I" so much. Character flaw or strength? Cup half full or empty? Six in one hand a half dozen in the other? I can go on and on. The point is humility had to be mutual.

You can't be humble toward an ungrateful individual who sees no wrong in their character, ways, themselves in general. It's like respect to get it you have to give it. Ok maybe not like that. To be humble or open to humility you must have humility for others in you...that's better...that's what I meant.

Wish me luck on to the next day...counting

Another one down

I did it I made it through, smile in place, and hair all over the place. 

Dear Ex-Friend

Dear Ex-Friend



    Let me take this time to Ex-plain. The time we spent was the best of times but just like all good things they have come to what seems like and end.

    There I was waiting for the music at the end of the show and all I got was bitter silence. Was it fair to Ex-pect that we at least owed it to each other to play the last track. So not ONE of us would b left waiting for the keys of the score to play the final notes.

     So, so long, farewell, be gone, good luck. I won't give another moment, or take anything less.  Ex-friend I will miss you.  Good bye.

 

This was the Dear John I wrote to my beloved Coke Cola. I have since cheated and went back, we can't get enough of each other. Don't judge me. Today I was just me and that is the best I can be. How many more days on this better me thing? What was I thinking? It's getting late, to bed with me.

 

Wish me luck, tomorrow I will be more than my hair....

 

 

 

Looking back with open eyes

I wrote something in my journal almost a year ago and as I was reflecting on what I had written I wanted to blog it.

WHERE DO YOU FIND HAPPY

 

Where does one find happy? I would really like to know. Because these 360 degrees of happy somehow escapes, and evades me.

You say the simple things in life are the things that make you happy. So Mr. Simple, with your simple self explain happy to me.

I was happy once, when I was a little girl. With dreams of castles, white horses and a Prince I could all my own. Then reality woke me up with a slap to the face like an alarm clock that won't snooze for five heaven sent minutes.

There were no castles, white horses, or Prince to sweep me off my feet. I had to stand solid if I was gonna make it in the real world.

Happy did a 5K and I couldn't keep the pace. All those things I saw as I grew up and swore I would never do. Pulled me under like a tidal wave.

I said I would do unto you as you do unto me. And somewhere happy lived there. Then you did to me what I would never dream and I ate it for breakfast, lunch, dinner, and a snack.  I lost myself to unto me and my confidence was done.

You see they always told me I was pretty, but in this unhappy ever after, pretty was not enough.  I drowned again in my coat of failure never understanding where it went wrong.  But wrong it went, and wrong it stayed. I don't think happy can live here now.

The bitter taste of failure gave birth to "tit for tat" when those cousins move in I don't think happy can come back. Words spoken no retraction, cause, effect, leads to action. I will not be undone I crawled from the bottom to find my happy.

If I was not your everything then let me be your nothing. Because a house of cards can't be lived in and my happy can't evolve.

Go find you another happy and make way for me to go find mine. You made my happy ugly, you made my happy cry.  I just want to know where to find happy, I deserve another chance. If you love it, let it go make happiness a new home.

We both deserve a bunch of happy don't you think.

 

 

One day I am going to work for Hallmark and write cards for all occasions. For tonight I am done with this blog. I feel better already.

 

Wish me luck until the next time.

Commitment Issues

I confess that I have commitment issues. I can not or maybe I will not commit to blogging every day. I don't think I have enough things to blog about. I could blog but it would bore even me and I am the most interesting person I know. I have to laugh at that one. OK so the pay it forward mission was a bust I was not feeling well and only left the house twice, so I did not pass paths with strangers but I did feed my children so that has got to count somewhere in the scheme of things. I also paid for something expensive for my son in college so that has to count for something too. OK that may be a poor excuse and pulling at straws and I will have to try again at that one another day.

On to the weekend hey it's the weekend every higher powers take a break on the weekend and I am not a higher power but I am going to take a break. I will continue my 28 day to a better me one fat baby step at another time and as for tonight it is still officially the weekend so I am going to have some tea and take a break.

More blogging tomorrow when I have a better disposition.

It Ain't Easy Being cheesy

Day 2 was not a cool breeze. Trying to compliment everyone that I encountered was a task. People make it hard to be cheesy. There I was at the VA (Veteran's Hospital) and them people as in the staff made me want to act a fool. I wanted to snap, I was a moment away from giving job advice instead of compliments. First if you are there to assist the veteran with their health care needs you may want to have a good disposition. Sour apples don't make good juice, I don't even know why I said that just now. Second if you want to throw yourself in job that is clearly customer service orientated, you would want to make sure you good with the first word of advice.... Have your merry little self a good disposition. I have never, ever had to deal with suck hard headed unpleasant individuals. And finally if you don't like people or if you were in the military and you hate everything military why would you bring your dusty behind to work at the one place that all broken soldiers have to come for their treatment? I hate you old know it all, got out the military cause you could not handle the military life people, that hang on the edge of the military community and when you get a job where you have to deal with people that are military or prior service you take out all your old frustrations on them kind of people. I got your ticket buddy, why don't your got put your self out to pasture and give the rest of us a break.

Enough of that rant, on to the next hurdle to my day 2 challenge to a better me. I went to SAM's club. Who would have guessed that while on the hunt for the Charmin that I would get into an almost altercation over not wanting to try popcorn. I don't like popcorn, you would think I talked about the old lady mama the way she was giving me the evil eye after I said "oh no, I don't do popcorn" she continued to tell me how it was low in sodium and high in fiber... Okayyyy I still don't want any. She continued to say that it was on sale. Okay, I still don't want any. She stood in front of my huge cart, I contemplated running her over, and wondered if the popcorn was laced the way she was pushing it, or if she got a cut of the sales. What the heck lady.... Ummm ma'am thank you very much but I don't eat popcorn but thank you. Then the stink eye, I thought she was gonna call me fat. then it would have been on. I left her area at a high rate of speed and proceeded to got my toilet paper, pop-tarts, bacon bits, grapes and the hell out of SAM's. It ain't easy being cheesy.

Tomorrow I think I am going to do something nice for someone else just because. Pay it forward. That is my challenge. I remember one day I was having a crappy day and I was at the Starbucks drive-by window on my mobile and I was telling my girlfriend all about what a crappy day I was having. I placed my order and when I got to the window to pay the lady in front of me had already paid for my drink. I almost cried. Paying for my coffee is better that telling me it looks like I lost a pound. If you remember it is one of my vices that coffee got me in a choke hold for sure. I will do something nice for someone tomorrow just because, maybe more that one person. I'm not talking helping an old lady cross the street at a traffic light, that doesn't happen in my town, but maybe I will buy a soldier a coffee, or pay for someone meal, or gas, or I don't know! I'm not a Trump or Oprah... no one is gonna get a Car!!! and I am not getting carried away with this better me thing. Baby steps.

Wish me luck.

One and Done

It is not easy to not complain for a 24 hour period, but I was determined to make it through today so that I can move on to day 2. I am doing it and after I finish this post I am going to dive into bed like it is an Olympic size pool.

I had a lot of things that tried to get in my way today. I had a child that went to her interview dressed like she was going to a drag party, oh well I just smiled got my cranberry redbull and kept it moving. I had my son's talking like I needed to slow my truck down to 10 miles per hour and push them from my moving vehicle, but I just smiled and kept on driving until I got home. I then went straight to my room in an attempt to stay to myself. Oh but no, why oh why did them kids keep coming in my room to see if I was ok. On any other day I could have been in here in a state of decay and they would never know, but on the day that I was trying to not complain they could not stay out of my 25 meter range. It must be a conspiracy. My house looked like a tornado hit it, but I did not complain. I also did not make dinner, I'm eating sleep tonight, so it is fend for yourself day before Friday in this household. I think they are going to vote me off the island for that lol. I checked my email and I had about 12 candy crush request, I hate that ish like you can not imagine I kind of wished that I could put everyone that sent a request on a chain mail mailing list, I don't think that is complaining I just think it is fair play. I blocked all their butts and that made me happy. I almost had to hit reset for that one.

Oh and there daddy is a poop devil, out of all three bathrooms in the house why this man had to come in here to take a shyte?  Because he is plotting against my success. Only one more hour to go and I am done with this challenge. Next time I will do something like not eat carbs for 24 hours that would be so much easier. Because right now I am so mad I want to set him on fire. I may have anger issues when I look at it like that, but I will not complain until 12:01. He didn't even spray, really where they do that at?

On to the next challenge. Tomorrow my challenge is to complement everyone that I encounter. If I interact with you I will complement you. I am going to be a better me, one day at a time. 
Well this is about to be a wrap One and Done on to the next one.

Wish my luck.

If at first you don't suceed...

So here I was thinking that not complaining for just 24 hours would be easy. Well I was wrong. I was so wrong that when I went to bed after mid-night I almost had t hit the reset. Damn, damn, damn  me of weaker flesh.

I woke up with a mild headache and thought that after copious amount of coffee that I would be ok. Coffee is my addiction, one of many but the one that has me in headlock begging for my next drip. I took my daughter to her job interview, where she decided that working at McDonald's was beneath her. Really!!! coming from a child that has never held a job. Well she better get use to getting low because she has got to get a job so burger up! I was so proud of me not complaining about her spoiled behind that I gave myself a pat on the back. From there I went into traffic and all bets were off. OMG why is it so hard for people to follow basic traffic rules.

I swear that some people have to peddle there cars to get them to move. How in the heck high waters does it take you two, count them two green lights to make a turn on an intersection. I would feel bad if it was an old person, but no it was a test drive dummy, just wasting time texting instead of watching the light. I wish I had a monster truck so I could run them over, back up and run them over again, and again. I was an epic failure with in 32 seconds of being in traffic.

I tried to do a save by saying the I was not specific with the fussing, but to be honest with myself I have to start all over tomorrow. Damn that traffic and all the people who throw cigarettes out their windows. I hate you and wish I could pass you and dump 100 pounds of butts on my hood, head, face. Oh and all those texting busy bodies that think I have to drive defensively because you are to busy to shut up and drive, and not to forget those of you who go below the speed limit causing traffic delays or so fast over the limit that you are dying to get where you are going and trying to kill me in the process. I hate you most and wish I could blink you into the void.

Anyhow, I will have to try again tomorrow, because if at first you don't succeed you have to try and try again, or you figure out you are weak like Eve and you eat some snake apples. Now that is another story all together. Exhale, smile, and put on my big girl panties because tomorrow I will be a rock.

Wish me luck.

New Moves

Well well well

So there I was little Miss HennyPenny trying to make everybody happy while it was driving me almost insane. I had to take a stand and announce it to the world..." I am not sorry, I will not say sorry, because I have never been sorry in my life". I however comma, do apologize for all the things that you think I should may be sorry for. 

I apologize that I have life of my own and I cannot visit you in yours every freakin day.

I apologize that I don't want to have a standing appointment with you for coffee, cookies, or any other confection every week. That is too much like dating, and I am not interested in dating you. Whom every "you" maybe.

I apologize that I am not the "me" you expect me to be. Shoot I don't have a cape, give me a break.

Enough of all these apologies. I looked at myself in the mirror and I did not recognize myself.  I was so busy trying to be everything to everybody that I lost me in the process.  I have been sleeping and eating like these are the last days. So while I have gained weight I have lost my identity.

Public service announcement:  I am starting a 28 day fast. I am going to not complain about anything for 24 hours tomorrow. Then I am going to do something just for me for the next 27 days. Selfish maybe but that is what I am going to do.

So well, well, well day 1 starts tomorrow and I will be blogging how it goes. Wish me luck.

More to follow starting in the morning..